The Three Gates: A Guide to Speaking with Intention

Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?

Ever blurted something out and then wished you could take it back? We’ve all been there. Our words carry weight—not just for others, but for ourselves too.

If we all paused before speaking, and chose words that were true, meaningful, and kind, how much stronger would our relationships be?

That’s where the “Three Gates of Speech” come in. This simple yet powerful concept, often linked to Rumi and Buddhist teachings, helps us bring more mindfulness into the way we communicate.

The Three Gates: A Quick Self-Check Before You Speak

Before you speak, let your words pass these three gates:

1. Is it true?

2. Is it necessary?

3. Is it kind?

Think of these as checkpoints, encouraging us to pause and consider whether our words are helpful or just noise.

Where Did the Three Gates Come From?

Some say the Three Gates originate from the poet and mystic, Rumi. Others believe they stem from Buddhist philosophy, which emphasises mindful speech. The saying has also been attributed to Socrates who was known for questioning the truth and necessity of statements.

The idea of using speech with intention appears in many traditions and philosophies across the world.

For instance, the Hindu concept of “Ahimsa” (non-violence) extends beyond physical harm to include speech, emphasising the importance of words that do not cause unnecessary harm. In Christianity, teachings from the Bible also encourage believers to use their words wisely, promoting honesty, kindness, and restraint in speech.

In Native American traditions, elders teach that words hold spiritual power, reinforcing the idea that speech should be deliberate and respectful. Likewise, Japanese culture values "kotodama," the belief that words have a mystical force that can shape reality, further emphasizing the importance of mindful speech.

The wisdom of the Three Gates is timeless and universal. Across cultures, the core lesson remains the same: we should think before we speak, ensuring our words are meaningful, helpful, and kind.

Meaning

These questions aren’t about policing every word but rather about helping us communicate in a way that’s intentional, thoughtful, and kind. Using mindfulness in what we say.

Gate 1: Is It True?

The first gate challenges us to check our facts. Is what we’re about to say actually true? Or is it based on assumptions, exaggeration, or gossip?

For instance you might hear a colleague is leaving the company. Before you spread the news, ask yourself—do you have direct confirmation, or is this just office gossip?

Speaking truthfully builds trust, and strengthens relationships.

Gate 2: Is It Necessary?

Something might be true, but does it really need to be said? Will it add value, help someone, or improve the situation? Or are you just speaking out of habit, frustration, or the need to be right?

For example, a friend made a questionable fashion choice. Is it necessary to point it out? Will your comment help them, or is it just your personal opinion?

Unnecessary words create clutter, but when we speak with purpose, our words carry more impact.

Gate 3: Is It Kind?

Kindness doesn’t mean coating the truth—it means delivering it with care. Even difficult conversations can be approached with empathy.

If a family member makes a mistake cooking dinner, instead of saying, "This tastes awful," you could say, "Maybe next time we could try a little less salt."

And this doesn’t mean avoiding difficult conversations; it means speaking your truth respectfully and empathetically.

Using the Three Gates in Everyday Life

These principles don’t just apply to talking—they work for other means of communicating too.

• Parenting & Teaching: Instead of reacting impulsively, use the Three Gates to model mindful and encouraging communication with children and students.

• Self-Talk: We often speak to ourselves more harshly than we would to others. Try applying the Three Gates to your inner dialogue too. Are your thoughts about yourself fair and kind?

• Workplace Communication: Before calling out a mistake in a meeting, consider if it’s productive to do so publicly or if a private conversation would be more effective.

• Social Media: Before commenting or sharing, ask if your words are adding something positive or just stirring the pot. Are you engaging in a productive discussion, or just venting?

• Conflict Resolution: When discussing difficult topics, applying the Three Gates can help keep conversations productive and prevent unnecessary hurt feelings.

• Text Messages & Emails: Before hitting send, check if your message is true, necessary, and kind. Could your email be more concise? Does it need a softer tone?

Benefits of the Three Gates

• More Meaningful Conversations: When we speak with intention, our words become more impactful and engaging.

• Better Relationships: Thoughtful communication reduces misunderstandings and conflict.

• Less Regret: You’ll have fewer “I wish I hadn’t said that” moments.

• Greater Emotional Intelligence: The Three Gates encourage us to pause and assess not just our words but also the emotions driving them, leading to better self-awareness and stronger connections with others.

• Improved Professional Interactions: In workplaces, mindful communication fosters collaboration, minimizes unnecessary drama, and helps create a culture of respect and understanding.

• Stronger Leadership Skills: Leaders who practice the Three Gates build trust, inspire confidence, and create environments where people feel heard and valued.

Words have power—they can heal, hurt, build, or break. The Three Gates remind us to use them wisely.